


I'm Tired of Losing

by thegeekpatrol



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Hurt Merlin, Suicidal Thoughts, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-06-21 01:46:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15546909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegeekpatrol/pseuds/thegeekpatrol
Summary: Merlin's mother dies and it sends him down a dark path. Probs not slash, but I haven't decided yet. I'm not sure how graphic the story may go, but suicide will be a major theme so if that is in any way triggering for you, then his may not be the story for you. Mature. Spoilers for pretty much up to Season 5. Takes place-ish after Lancelot du Lac. Story also on Wattpad and Fanfiction.net





	1. Chapter 1

Despite him being the greatest warlock to ever live, Gaius always felt the need to protect Merlin. Perhaps it was just the fatherly duty he felt towards him, or his affection for the boy- he just couldn't help wanting to keep him from anything that would hurt him. But Gaius couldn't protect Merlin for what was about to come, and it broke his heart. 

He supposed he should've told him the moment he received the news, he just wanted to give him a few more hours of joy. When Gaius heard the door open and the cheerful voice of Merlin call that he was home, a sigh escaped his lips and he prepared to break the news. Merlin's footsteps came closer, he entered the room and sat at the table, taking off his jacket and shoes. He was distracted as usual, not glancing towards Gaius, "...and Arthur didn't listen to me, (like usual), so I had to cover up his tracks the entire way! He thinks he's this great ranger-ha! He'd be tracked down effortlessly if it wasn't for me. And then-" he looked up to meet Gaius' eyes, his eyes moving to the letter in Gaius' hand. "W-what's wrong, Gaius? And what is that?" 

Gaius pursed his lips. His hands shook as he gave the previously opened letter to Merlin, "I'm so sorry, Merlin." As the boy's eyes quickly scanned the letter, he said nothing. "Merlin, I-" 

"No, no..." he whimpered, shaking his head. "She can't be, she's not-" he couldn't finish, his eyes welled up with tears. Merlin angrily wiped away the moisture with his sleeve. "I'm going. I'm going to her grave. To... to say goodbye." 

"Of course," he kindly assured, "should I come with you?" Gaius offered.

"No, I- I need to go alone. Do this by myself."

"I understand, Merlin. Just...don't let yourself think you have to grieve alone. Because you don't. She wasn't just your mother- she was my sister." 

Merlin's eyes grew wide, "I didn't... I'm sorry, Gaius, I didn't even think about that. You're hurting too." 

"It's alright, m'boy. When you're grieving it's hard to think of anyone but yourself. I understand."

"I'm going to pack, I'll have to leave early in the morning. Ealdor is long ride, let alone a walk." 

"Why don't you take a horse?" Gaius asked.

"And have Arthur questioning why I'm taking a horse to run an errand for you? No thanks!" 

"And why can't you tell him the truth?" Gaius raised an eyebrow, questioning Merlin. 

"Arthur wouldn't understand." He quickly dismissed.

"Why would Arthur understand anything about losing a parent, hmm?" Gains sarcastically quipped. "Why really don't you want to tell him?" Merlin sighed, and mumbled something incoherent. "What was that?"

"I'm tired of being weak." He swallowed, "Tired of asking things of him. I don't want to cry and show him how weak I am. I'm Emrys for God’s sake! And he thinks I'm just a coward." 

"So this is a matter of pride?" Gains scoffed.

"No! No, it's a matter of me doing things for myself. Which means I need to get packing." Merlin left to his room, getting all of the things for his journey ready. He tried to sleep, and overall got less than two hours. He'd regret it on the road, but there wasn't anything to do about it. The next morning he set for the long walk to Ealdor. 

********************

As Gaius was doing his rounds about the castle, he came across Arthur. "Gaius! I was hoping I'd run into you. Where is Merlin?" 

Gains hesitated, he'd told this lie time and time again, but it didn't feel right this time. "He's running errands for me, did he forget to get a replacement today?" 

"No, no. He just didn't tell me. When will he return?" 

"A few days, Sire." 

"A few days! And he didn't see fit to ask my permission?" 

"Well, Arthur, it was very short notice- the errand, that is!" 

"And what is this short-notice errand?"

Gaius should've just lied, saying it was a rare herb for some peasant. Instead, he told him the truth: "He... he didn't want to worry you with it, so he didn't tell you. His mother- she died. He went to say his final goodbyes." 

"Hunith? She... and he didn't...?" Arthur sighed, "You know, every time I start to think Merlin and I are friends, he goes and doesn't tell me about important things." Arthur shook his head. "I guess it's my fault, he doesn't feel like he can tell me things like this. I'd just hoped that after all this time he would."

"Sire, if I may, I don't think that's it. Merlin trusts you, but he was so distraught he left without much of a second thought. He was too overcome with grief to think of others. He didn't have the duty that you did when your father died- he doesn't think like that." 

"You're right. And there's not much I could've done to help him. I don't understand what goes on in that big head of his, and I never really know what to say to him."

Gaius chuckled, "No one ever does, Sire." 

Arthur put his hand on Gaius' shoulder, "Thank you... for being honest. It means more than you can know."

Gaius bowed and started to make his way down the hall before he turned to Arthur, "You know, Arthur...I think Merlin considers you a friend more than you give yourself credit for." He turned away to continue his rounds, pretending not to notice a stunned Arthur.


	2. Chapter 2

When Merlin finally reached Ealdor, he was exhausted. The people of the village welcomed him as best they could. After all the years, they still didn't really consider him a member of the community. But they all loved Hunith, and so they tried to love Merlin. 

Hunith's grave was beautiful. The flowers covering it wove in patterns and the stone that marked her name was of better quality than any in the town's graveyard. And Merlin hated it. He hated it so much. They didn't deserve to mourn her, to decorate her grave. And she shouldn't have even had a grave. She should've been standing there, happy and healthy because that's what she deserved. 

Merlin wanted to cry. He wanted to let out all of the anger and sadness, but the tears didn't come. He kneeled by her grave, the sun set and rose and he didn't move. The only difference was there were more flowers, new ones, the color of the sun. They seemed to glow at night, and shimmer in the day. And you could almost feel the warmth of Hunith's gentle and firm touch. And the wind seemed to be her voice, singing a lullaby. 

And so Merlin decided to stay. He couldn't go back, he hadn't said goodbye, he wasn't able to. Hunith's hut seemed empty, as crowded as Merlin was in it, and even though nothing had been moved or taken. Without her, there was nothing. 

****************

"Alright, it's been weeks, Gaius." Arthur burst through Gaius' door, "He should be back by now." 

"I'm afraid I have to agree with you, Sire. Even on foot, he is taking far too long." 

"He's on foot? Why on earth would he go on foot?" Arthur demanded.

"He doesn't have a horse, Sire." 

"I do! He's ridden them plenty of times!" 

"He didn't want to ask." 

"Why not?" 

"I don't know, he didn't really tell me much before leaving."

"First he doesn't say anything about his mother, then he's afraid to ask me to use a horse! You know what, I'm going to get answers myself!"

"Arthur, I'm not sure if that's such a good idea to go after him yourself, perhaps you should seek your advisor's council?"

"Oh, to hell with them! Even the King needs to go on a hunting trip now and then." 

"In Ealdor? In Cenred's kingdom?" 

"I'll go alone, won't attract anyone." 

"Sire, you can't go anywhere alone, need I remind you you're the King?"

"Agravaine can take care of things for a few days. And I'll take Leon with me, if it makes you happy." 

"What would make me happy is you and Merlin both safe, if you go out there, neither of you are!" Gaius exasperatedly said. 

"Someone has to find him, and I need to talk to him, I won't do anything stupid." 

"Are you sure this isn't?" 

"It'll be fine." 

************************

As Arthur caught a glimpse of the little hamlet of Ealdor he remembered the last time he'd been there. Even though it had been dangerous and a good man had died, the memories were still fond. He'd been with a happy Merlin, a kind Morgana, and Gwen. Gwen. It hurt just to think her name. Betrayal, Lancelot, Sorcery. Anger, love, hate, Gwen, exile, hurt, no...no...NO! Gwen was gone, and he didn't need to think of her anymore. He continued on going into the village, observing how much it had grown, many people stared, he just continued to where Hunith’s hut was, Sir Leon following promptly. 

He went inside, seeing that someone had recently been in there. The coals of the spit had not quite cooled off and the blankets on the bed were messy. Arthur saw Merlin’s scarf on the table and knew it was him that had been there. He walked into the little pub to the barkeep.

“I’m looking for a man named Merlin, he’s about this tall- ?”

Arthur started to describe him when the keep interrupted him, “Yes suh, I know who ‘e is. Merlin’s been ‘ere, greivin’ ‘Unith. Just like all of us ‘ave been.”

“Quite a long time to do nothing but grieve for some woman, isn’t it?” Arthur asked, confused as to why the entire village was in mourning. 

“Must not‘ve known ‘er, then! Fine woman she was! Ev’ryone in the village personally knew ‘er, and we all loved ‘er!”

‘Then why did you drive her son out?’ Arthur wanted to ask. After all, Merlin had mentioned more than once how he’d been treated in Ealdor. Instead, he said, “I met her once. She was a good woman. Raised a good man.” He laughed to himself… Merlin, a man! He really needed to talk to him. “Do you know where he is?”

“Now I don’ ezac’ly keep track of ev’ry person in the village, but I seen ‘im hangin’ round the overlook area.”

“Thank you for you time. Here you are,” Arthur handed him a few coins and then turned to Leon, “Leon, why don’t you stay and rest up a bit, get yourself some food.” Leon bowed his head followed with a ‘Yes, sire’. Arthur exited the pub and made his way toward the overlook area he’d been to last time he’d come to Ealdor. He trudged through the forest until he finally caught a glimpse of the raven-haired boy through the trees. He rushed out to see him standing over the cliff, dangerously close.


	3. Chapter 3

"I thought you were terrified of heights!" Arthur called out, not knowing what else to say.

"What are you doing here?" Merlin asked, not turning, not even moving.

"Getting my servant, of course. What are you doing on that cliff?"

"Looking. Thinking."

"Thinking, really? Turning over a new leaf, are you?" Arthur waited for Merlin to laugh, but to no avail. "You see, Merlin, that was a joke. People are supposed to laugh when they hear a joke." Still no response. "Merlin, are... are you alright?"

"I wasn't being up high I was afraid of... not really. I was always afraid I'd jump off." Merlin soberly said.

Arthur's stomach lurched. "Don't you mean 'fall off'?" He asked hopefully; the silence answered the question. "Why-why would you jump off?"

"Just to have control." Merlin plainly said.

"Have control of what?"

A pause, Merlin looked as if he were about to say something, "Nothing." He resolved.

"Let's have a chat, you and I. Away from the cliff side, perhaps?" Arthur timidly suggested.

Merlin stepped from the cliff, Arthur felt a weight lift from his shoulders. Merlin slowly turned to face Arthur. The emotionless stone that Arthur saw was so different than the face that Arthur was accustomed to. The boy- man... the man had always worn his heart on his sleeve, and seeing it empty only brought the feelings of disturbance and sadness to Arthur.

They walked in silence to the hut. Arthur noticed Merlin's staggered and short breaths. He didn't seemed to be injured, but no healthy person breathed like that. Inside the hut, Merlin set to getting drinks. Merlin looked for a second goblet, seeing it on top of the cupboard. As he reached to grab it, his sleeve slightly rose, revealing strange marks on his wrists and arms.

Arthur wanted to jump up and examine it immediately, but something stopped him. Something told him to wait, and ask. So held held himself back. When the wine was located, Merlin poured a cup for Arthur, then for himself. He offered the drink to Arthur. Neither drank.

Arthur broke the silence, "I'm sorry about your mother." He sincerely said.

"Me, too." Merlin quietly replied.

"Gaius misses you, and my room is the cleanest it's been in years, it's really not the same." Merlin didn't acknowledge what he'd said. Arthur sipped his drink. "Wine's good. You really-"

"Why can't I cry for her?" Merlin blurted out. Arthur frowned in confusion, "My mother, I mean. I've cried for everyone. But I just... can't, not for her."

Arthur didn't know what to say, how to reassure him. "Everyone?" He asked.

Merlin darkly laughed, "Yeah, everyone." He stood up, "I can't get close to someone without them dying.." Merlin paced the room, "First... it was Will. He died, and I mourned. Then... F-Freya." He barely choked her name out. "Lost her. It seemed I'd never stop crying." He halted to a stop. "The father that I never had... I finally got to meet him and he died in my arms." Merlin resumed the pacing, "Morgana, gone. Lancelot dead. Then he was back. Arthur, I thought I'd finally got the one person who truly understood me back and then he was gone, taking Gwen as well." Tears freely fell, staining his cheeks. "And even now, they aren't for her." He said, in implication to his tears. "They're just me. Feeling sorry for myself. But I've had it! I can't take this anymore, I'm tired of being abandoned. It's like I've hit a wall, and I can't move on, the only way to go is back. Or... or down."

"Down? Is that what you were... God, Merlin! Is that why-"

"It doesn't matter, forget that I spoke."

"No, I'm not going to just 'forget' that you spoke. Something wrong, Merlin! You... you need to talk about it."

"Don't you have a kingdom to run?" Merlin acidly said.

"Don't you have a King to serve?" Arthur struck back.

"There are dozens who would do it; people of Camelot really seem to enjoy grovelling." He shifted uncomfortably in his chair, "You really do need to go back."

"I don't know, a little vacationing time I'm Ealdor. It seems nice."

"Vacation somewhere else."

"You can't talk to me like that- I'm the King!"

"Not mine. I'm not from Camelot, so you're technically not my King."

Arthur nearly choked. "Excuse me?"

"You're excused. Now get out."

"What the hell is wrong with you, Merlin?"

"I'm not going to continue telling you the same thing, Arthur. I don't want to lose anybody else. I'm just going to stay away from everyone."

Then, what's the point of living without others? Arthur nearly said. Then it hit him. 

"But Merlin, what about those who care about you? Are you just going to abandon us?"

Us. Merlin physical flinched at he word. "Arthur, I would like you to leave."

"You can do this! What happened to the man who said he would always be there for me?"

"He lost everything!"Merlin's voice broke."Everything. All his friends and family. And, Arthur, you've been a common factor for every one of them!" 

"You're making this about me?" 

"Isn't everything?" 

"I'm not going to stand for this. You are my friend, and, clearly are very ill. I'm taking you back to Camelot and Gaius is going to find out what's wrong with you."

"You think it's some kind of sorcery, don't you?" 

"I had considered the possibility, yes."

"It's not. You don't and never will understand. You... you can't fathom the kind of weight that I have on my shoulders, the responsibility- no, don't start- You do not. The pain I have endured and the amount of death I've seen been dragging me down further and further, and it's time I stop fighting it."

Arthur was speechless. How could Merlin say something like this? He was the King for God-sake! He knew that it was pointless to argue. So he made a brash decision. "What's that on your arms?" 

Merlin hugged himself tightly, "Nothing." He fiddled with his sleeves. Arthur stepped forward only for Merlin to back up. 

"Let me see?" Arthur warmly asked. Merlin shook his head. "Are you hurt?" Another shake. "Why can't I see it?" 

"It's not your business." 

"You're my friend. Please." 

"Fine." Merlin angrily ripped up his sleeve revealing scarred runes that ran along his pale arm. 

Arthur's eyes widened. "Sorcery. It is, you lied!"

"I did lie. But it doesn't matter. Magic is legal here."

"You're possessed by something."

"I'm not! You're just an idiot who didn't notice for 5 years that his personal manservant has been doing magic right under his nose. Now GET OUT!" Merlin boomed, his voice holding a form of terrifying authority. Arthur's eyes darkened. 

"I'll figure out what's wrong with you, Merlin. I know this isn't you." He slammed the door and stalked on to the inn. Inside, he found Leon resting in a chair with a drink in hand. His usual mass of curls neatly tied back. Arthur sat next to him and started in a hushed voice. 

"Something's come over Merlin. He wants to stay- indefinitely. He... he's involved in something strange." 

"Well, Sire, grief is one thing that's surely come over him. Growing up, all he had was his mother." 

"No, no, Leon. Something I fear involves sorcery."

"Sorcery? Merlin would never!"

"I know! That's why I think he's under some kind of influence. We need to help him. When I first found him, he was on the edge of a cliff- contemplating... something."

Leon's eyes became full of concern. "You don't think-" 

"I'm afraid so." Arthur soberly replied. 

"What if I were to see him? Maybe after he's cooled down a little, a... casual face might put him at ease."

"You think Merlin won't talk to me because I'm King? That's never stopped him before!" 

"No, but he might feel a bit threatened by your level of power. He's feeling powerless and you have nothing but."

"You're right. Tomorrow morning, you see him. For now, let's rest. Hopefully we can work everything out by tomorrow and go home."


	4. Chapter 4

The morning brought with it a cool glow. Leon wasn't looking forward to the upcoming conversation. If Arthur was right about something being wrong with Merlin, and that something involving sorcery- Leon knew that Merlin wouldn't let him help. The man always refused it. Every time- he refused it.   
The dirt path to Merlin's home was damp from the night's rain. Leon had always been fond of the rain. He loved it's cleansing energy. The way it washed away the earth's devastations. Leon reached the door, and gave it a 3 light taps. Silence ensued. Three more. Still, he heard nothing.   
"Merlin? Are you home? It's Leon. I'd like to talk." He called out. There was no response. He started to open the door when a small voice broke the silence.   
"He's not home." Leon turned to see a young girl who the voice presumably came from.   
"He's not? Do you know where he is?" He kindly asked.   
"His mum's grave. He goes there every morning. Until midday. Then, he sits on the cliff and listens." She somberly said.   
Leon was curious. Who was this child? "Listens? For what?" He asked.   
"Her voice. I can hear it too, sometimes. I think all of us can. He lets me sit by him- if I want. I like sitting by him, he makes me feel safe." She told him.   
"Me too. He's very comforting to be around, isn't he?"   
"Usually. Not today, though. Today was one of his broken days."   
"Broken days?"   
"That's what he calls them. When he has those, he says it's best if I leave him alone. I don't like the broken days. He so lonely on them."   
"It's very good of you to watch out for him like that. What is your name? How did you come to know Merlin?"  
"I'm Sabel. And... well, two years ago my Pa died while we were staying here. He was a missionary, and didn't have much. So when he died, I had nothing. " Her eyes sparkled with wetness. "Merlin's mum, Hunith- she took me in. Fed me, clothed me, and sheltered me." Tears now freely fell from here eyes. "I was the last person to talk to her."   
Leon crouched to her level and offered her his handkerchief. She hesitantly took it and wiped her eyes. "You must think I'm a baby. But I'm not! I'm nearly 10 years old!"  
Leon smiled and looked into her eyes. "There's no shame in grieving. Nothing babyish about it at all." She smiled. And then gasped.  
"Oh, no! I'm late! When you see Merlin, could you tell him something for me?" She meekly asked.   
"Of course. What would you like me to tell him?"  
"That I need to speak with him as soon as he's feeling like talking. It's very important."   
"I'll make sure to deliver the message."   
"Thank you, Sir..."  
"Leon."   
"Thank you, Sir Leon. Merlin's lucky to have a friend as nice as you." She handed over his kerchief and ran off the path out of Leon's sight.   
Leon hated the idea of interrupting Merlin’s grieving process, but he couldn’t wait until midday. He went toward the graveyard he’d seen when he and Arthur had first arrived. Sure enough, Merlin was sitting next to the grave. Silent and still.   
“Merlin.” The boy jumped up, his feet taking him from Leon, who instinctively put his hands in a surrendering position. “I only want to speak, Merlin.”  
“The Knight of Camelot only wants to speak to the servant presumed to be under a spell?” Merlin scoffed coldly. Leon ached at the sound.   
“Please. I’m not Arthur, I’m not going to order you around, insist that you explain. I just… want to ask for a bit of an explanation, if you’re willing to give it. I’m your friend, and… and I just want to understand- or at least, to the best of my ability, understand.”   
“You can’t understand.” Merlin jeered.  
“Will you let me try?” Leon pled.   
“I told Arthur. Ask him.”  
“Arthur’s an idiot. A stubborn ass of an idiot. He’s too angry to account it correctly.”  
“And you’re not?” Merlin met his eyes. “Angry?”  
“I mean, you abandoned all of your friends- you abandoned me, but other than that, I’m not particularly angry.”  
“I abandoned you? No, I left. To mourn.”  
“But you’re not coming back. You made that clear to Arthur.”   
“So? I’m not exactly needed in Camelot. Well, no. I sort of am. I’m just sick of it. I’m tired of losing. I’m tired of being responsible for pain. I don’t want that guilt anymore.” Merlin bit out.   
“And you don’t feel guilty for leaving us behind? When, you, as you said, are needed?”  
“You’re sounding more and more like Arthur every moment.”   
“No, I’m not. You’re just stubborn. You’re the one who’s sounding like Arthur!” Leon retorted.  
“It doesn’t matter to me who I sound like anymore. There’s nothing left of myself to be.” Silence ensued. Finally, Merlin broke it. “Three questions. Let’s get this over with.”  
“Why don’t you want to stay in Camelot?”  
“I’ve lost enough there, already. Next?”   
“Will you ever return?”  
“Don’t think so!” Merlin laughed without heart.   
“Why do you refuse help?”   
Merlin paused. He didn’t know the answer to that question.   
“You’re not going to ask if I’m a sorcerer or something?” Merlin taunted.  
“I don’t care if you’re a goddamn dragon, Merlin! I care about you, and I want to know why you refuse help? Every time? I happens no matter the situation. You’ve never asked, and never accepted it. So, why? That’s my final question.”  
“I don’t want it.”   
“Fine. If you don’t want it, so be it. I just wish I knew why you were hurting so much. Who hurt you. If I added to it. How I could take away the pain. I told you, I don’t care what you are. Your actions have shown goodness, and that’s what I care about.” Leon said and started to walk away. “Oh, and Sabel wanted me to tell you that she needs to speak with you urgently when you feel like talking. She said it was important.”   
Merlin took notice of that. If the past sentiments given were swimming in his head, that one had taken a dive and resulted in a wave. He seemed to be contemplating something and Leon decided to give him privacy. He found his way to the inn and sat next to a slightly drunk Arthur.   
“Trying to drown your sorrows?”   
“It takes more than this to drown my sorrows, they can fly.” Arthur stopped, thinking. “Is he beyond saving?”   
“No. No one is. But he has to make the decision. And right now, that’s not going to happen.” Leon said, as the barkeep brought him a mug of ale.   
“How do we make that happen?”  
“You have to accept him.”  
“Accept him? I have accepted him!”   
“If he was a sorcerer? Would you accept him, then?”   
“Well, I- sorcery isn’t like a character flaw that you can overlook. It’s a decision that one makes, and it always leads to pain and evil.”   
“Well, he claims he is a sorcerer. I don’t know if it’s because he is… or if he wants to know if you’d judge him fairly.”  
“Judge a sorcerer fairly? I always do.”  
“Would you judge him fairly? If he’s been keeping a secret from you, would you? Would you judge him by what he does than what he is?”   
“Man is what he does. That defines him.”   
“Gwaine was born a commoner. He proved through his actions what he should be seen as. You, Royalty. You proved to be a good man, regardless of what you were born as. You don’t have to be born royal to be good, and don’t have to be good to be royal.”  
“I get it. I just… don’t know what to do.”   
“Maybe if you were to show him that you would accept him, he would trust you enough to tell you what’s happening.”   
“I’ll have to sleep on it.”   
“It’s midday, sire.”   
“He’s not going anywhere. I’ll see him tomorrow morning.”   
“What are we to do until then?”   
“Enjoy a day of peace and quiet without training, people, and problems. Well, not the problems part. We still have that.”   
“I’ll be off, then.” Leon said, getting up. Arthur nodded to him and watched him leave the inn.   
He hated Ealdor, he decided. Only one good thing came from it, and even that was now turning bitter for Arthur. He could barely contain his emotions. He didn’t even know what emotions he had a the moment- they changed quickly. Anger, sorrow, pity, pride, hurt. It’s a time like this, Arthur thought, when I need Merlin.   
Merlin was there whenever Arthur faced conflict. Giving his humble and honest opinion. But now Arthur questioned whether those opinions were honest. He wondered if anything was honest. Was this a friendship based on lies? If so, would it be able to stand, on a foundation of deceit? Even if they worked it out this moment, would Arthur trust Merlin? Would Merlin trust Arthur?  
Could Merlin really be a sorcerer? The helpless, sometimes pitiful boy of a man? Could he really use such a dangerous weapon? If so, why did he condemn it when Arthur confided in him? Had he been projecting self-hatred? Or just saying what he thought Arthur wanted him to hear? And could Arthur change his ways? If he approved Merlin’s use of magic, he’d be a hypocrite to keep magic outlawed. Did it need to be?  
Question after question plagued Arthur’s mind and he didn’t have distinct answers for any of them. He decided to get out and walk. And avoid bumping into Merlin, though, his moping schedule seemed to be remote.   
His movement was a bit slow and sluggish. He didn’t care. He could do whatever he pleased on his vacation. Arthur noticed Leon flirting with a farmgirl and smirked. Leon would get at least something out of this trip, maybe a lovely farmgirl to visit every now and then.   
He took in the sight of the village and remembered the events from his last adventure there. The whirlwind that saved Ealdor. Merlin’s friend, Will had died to save Arthur. He had admitted to being the sorcerer. You should have told me. Arthur had chastised Merlin. He told him that he wouldn’t have killed Will. But he hadn’t been so sure, himself. Merlin had probably recognized that. Could it have been Merlin the whole time with magic?   
Arthur told himself he would have noticed. Then he told himself that he was always so busy with the kingdom to notice servants. A final voice- eerily similar to Merlin- told him that he was too in love with himself to notice anyone else. He hated that voice. It was too honest.   
He finally decided to return to the inn and write down a few things he wanted to tell Merlin. He started a list.   
He wanted the absolute truth  
He would not harm Merlin no matter what he said  
He would judge him fairly, according to his actions  
He would try to be compassionate  
Merlin had to promise not to...  
Arthur couldn’t finish writing. Couldn’t finish that sentence. Merlin had to promise not to throw himself off a cliff. He thought of more of what he wanted to say  
Merlin had to tell him about the scars on his arms  
Merlin had to tell him who Freya was

Somewhat satisfied, Arthur spent the rest of his day thinking, sleeping, writing a letter to Gaius that he wouldn’t send, and hunting with Leon. He’d caught several rabbits, most of which he gave to the barkeep. Finally, when night arrived, he prepared to sleep. It didn’t happen. He had convinced himself to speak with Merlin in the morning, and the thought daunted him. He eventually fell into a light sleep that lasted only a few hours.


End file.
